Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
