Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize