She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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