the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
