I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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