he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
