There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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