one two three fourrrrnication!
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Send help, water and tortillas.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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