I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
