Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
