Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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