So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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