I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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