tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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