shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
