12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
