so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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