i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
