I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
