My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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