God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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