why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
His hands were made for my vagina.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
