You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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