I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
