You can't motorboat a personality
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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