New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
