I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
