Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
