please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
