rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
