And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
