When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
