I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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