i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
