Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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