i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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