im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
