I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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