If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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