seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
