I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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