Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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