we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
