can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
