What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
