i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
