The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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