Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
