Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
