pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
