OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
