My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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