6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
