Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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