Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
