I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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