I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
