I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
