apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
