I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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