I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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