my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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